False alarm! It’s just an empty apology.
Written by Abby Pace
You don’t seem to remember or know all the pain you have caused me.
You apologize and apologize but you don’t even know what for; just know that you’ve done something wrong. But your apologies are empty, formed because you know it’s the “right thing” to do.
The first one was the long awaited words that I’ve been needing to hear. It had been 9 months of me crying from the anxiety of feeling violated and forced all over again. It had been 9 months of me hurting and wondering why I was still being punished? 9 months of me reliving all of the things that my mind had tried so hard to stop, like a never-ending carousel. Of me asking why I did that or wondering why I didn’t do this? The worst part of all that pain though was me thinking that I would never hear those words; words that meant so much that you couldn’t even imagine.
When that day came and I received your, what I thought, heartfelt and honest apology, was the day that I didn’t have to be so tied down to those strains that I’d been put on without my knowledge. Little did I know that:
- A week earlier you had laughed and made careless jokes about me and what “we” did
- But now that I come to think of it, I don’t really remember it being a “we” decision anymore, but a “he wants it so I’m going to do it, or he’ll get angry at me and yell at me, or he’ll laugh at me, or he’ll hurt me, or this is how it’s supposed to be, or whatever else I thought of that provoked my scared feelings” kind of decision making.
That was his first apology and the first time he dared to speak to me in 9 months. As if it was the end of a pregnancy and it was time for the birthing of this apology. But it was just a false alarm. That so hoped for arrival had brought even breathing and a lightness that I couldn’t even fathom. But when that alarm sounded, immediately those strains went straight back onto my wrists, tighter than ever, and those heavy, pulling weights went right back to resting upon me.